Angela's post about Logan

I have a few stories I've been wanting to write about, you know, for posterity...or whatever. Here's one. The timing of this one is about right since it happened almost 7 years ago to the day. This one is a hard one for me. Possibly one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my 30+ years. Let me go get some kleenex.

My younger sister Abby, was pregnant and unmarried. She decided to give the baby boy up for adoption through LDS services. She has a really cool story of her own of how she knew this couple she chose for her unborn child was the right family for him. And she was even more sure of that decision when she met them for the first time. But this is my story.

We knew she had made the right decision to give up her baby but I really don't know how women/girls do it. It was hard for me to imagine since I was already married at the time so it wouldn't even be an option for me. How can you just give this child to someone else knowing you'll probably never see them again or have much of a relationship with them.

The day she gave birth to him, our older sister Amysue, was on a plane to SLC, where she picked me up and the two of us drove to St. George where she had had the baby. He was darling. Our family genes that we all share were there. We didn't know what the adoptive parents were going to name him so it was weird not having a name for him. I nicknamed him Harry because he was so hairy. Another gene we all got from our dad. Thanks dad. When they were both released from the hospital, we all went to stay at my parent's house. We had a night (or two?) with him before his parents were to come for the "placement". Abby had pictures taken with him. We held him and loved him.

Before the actual placement took place Abby went to the social service office to sign her rights away. Amysue and I dropped her off. She wanted to go in alone. We sat in the car and cried, wipping our tears on the only thing we could find. A pair of little socks Amysue had bought for him that had been left in the car. We wanted to do something nice for Abby so we went to the store and bought her roses. When we went back to pick her up we went inside and gave her the roses. We got to meet her counselor. She was wonderful. She told us she'd never seen a family so supportive as ours. That made me feel good.

The night of the placement most of our family was gathered beforehand at my parents. Everyone was there but Alex's family and Anne, who had passed away almost a year before. We had a family prayer together and cried and cried and cried. We were late getting there. I'm sure the couple was worried we'd not show up.

The couple who is adopting is instructed not to even touch the baby until they are "placed" in their arms by the birth mother. Just like everything in our church, there is an order to things. We met them. Visited with them. And then we let them open presents we had bought for him. Clothes, toys, and a blanket made by our sister in law who always makes the nieces and nephews a blanket because we are a blanket family. They let Abby leave the room alone with the baby so she could say goodbye. Then she brought him back and all of us in the family got to hold him one last time. Then she said one final goodbye to him and then placed him in his mother's arms. Time stood still for a moment as I took everything in.

Until that point I was a wreck. I couldn't stop crying. But when he was placed in their arms a peace came and I knew he wasn't ours. He was theirs. And the crying stopped for a time. Also when he was placed in her arms we could physically see her emotions. Until then she had been strong. Not showing any emotion. Her husband was the one who had been emotional before. But she couldn't physically hold him since she was shaking so hard. She finally said to her husband, "Take him. I'm going to drop him." He tenderly took him and looked at his face. Then she calmed down enough to take him back. It was beautiful to see this couple, who had wanted a child so badly, finally get their wish. An answer to their prayers.

Logan will be 7 years old tomorrow. His mother was able to have another son a couple years ago via invitro so he now has a little brother. What a lucky boy he is.

The point of this story is, I never hear the stories from the families of the birth parents. Just as the birth parents love the child they give up, so do their families. He will always hold a special place in my heart even though he isn't part of our family. I was so glad to have those few days with him when he was a newborn. But also, it was amazing to witness that spiritual event of that baby being given to his new family. I literally could feel that he no longer was part of our family anymore as soon as they touched him. Thankfully there was peace with that feeling instead of feeling like my heart was being ripped out. After that it was still hard. And it still is hard to think about but I know he was meant to be with them.